My mother

So I am really really bothered by something recently. I am missing my mother terribly . And that bothers me more then anyone reading this can know. My mother is evil. I am not saying this as a spiteful daughter. I am not saying this as an angry daughter. I m saying this as an adult who looks back at her childhood and wonders why no one cared enough to save me. My mother was abusive, and that word doesn't even begin to describe how awful she was to me. My brother and sister also got abused and treated horribly but not in the same way as me. My sister has told me she know I had it much worse. My mother who at one time really was a good mother as years went by and time got to her worse turned into a monster,a retched horrible excuse for a human let alone a parent. She beat me in ways that still hurts to talk about and it has been more then ten years since I have been in the same state as her. And most of my scars are not physical I can assure you. she blamed me in my opinion for the way her life turned out. You see she married my father when she was eight weeks pregnant with me, something she denies to this day, but something , I know without a doubt to be true. They had a bad marriage. she was lazy and mean and my father was an addict. Drugs and alcohol &it killed him, but Iam not talking about that right now. My mother was good to us when we were little but I honestly have very very few good memories of her after the age of 10 or 11. Sheuld make me get on my knees and stand tall from them, she would make me tick my neck out and smack me till I was bleeding or scratched or whatever satisfied her. She would make me go out into the hall of our six family house in nothing or just bra and panties. i never told anyone what went on in that house. My friends knew I was being hit but never, ever di they know how bad. I mean who could imagine that? Who could imagine a mother doing that to her own child. I cooked every nights dinner from the age of ten or so. I remember her asking what I wanted for my thirteenth birthday i said steak dinner and you cook it.
And yet all I can do for the last few weeks is ache with missing her or maybe it is just the idea of her. My kids love their "Sweetie" Greg's mom. In fact more then anything. She is wonderful with them , to them. Maybe it is because I loved my maternal grandmother so much that, my heart still aches everyday because Imiss her so. i miss my mother and i an not for the life of me understand why. It was made worse when Jenn told me the other day that around Kim's wedding someone saw her at a homeless shelter working ,they thought. At least i know she was alive a year ago. I don't know if she is alive today. I don't know if she is living on the streets. is just so much about her i don't know. It is getting to the point where I am feeling so lost again. It has taken me since Dec. 5 1998 t, the day i left her house or apartment to realize she needs mental help that she is indeed without a shadow of a doubt crazy. She doesn't remember beating me , i know this because I confronted her. She needs help. she is poor and destitute I can't help her , she is mean and horrible and terrible, but she is still my mommy and I miss her.

Daddy

January 19, 1991 changed my life for forever, and Glenn and Kim's and my mother. The collateral damage of that day was massive and still happens to this day. My father, my daddy died of a massive drug overdose. It hurt just to type that. I was 11,when my world shattered for forever and still haven't really recovered and now I am 30. I remember being really freaked out at the funeral home. I didn't even want to go near him , but mommy made me. I didn't touch him though, which is something I think about and regret with my whole heart almost every day since. I am still haunted by dreams of him. How disappointed he would be with me dropping out of school. How much things with my mom would have been different, how the abuse would not have gotten close to what it was. How I maybe would have lived with him, how I could still be in NYC. But all the what ifs don't change what happened that day. That he died all alone in his childhood bedroom, foaming at the mouth bleeding all over the place, with a rubber band around arm and a needle sticking out of it. A vision that no matter how hard I try i can never get out of my head. The things I saw and the things i didn't don't matter much because, whenever I think of him that is what I can close my eyes and see.Knowing that he was to high to know he was in trouble, knowing he couldn't call out for help when there were so many others in his house, the house he shared with his mother and her brother Uncle Vinny. Knowing that he died in that bed alone with no one by his sides, is the worst feeling a daughter can ever have.
My mother has tried to destroy every happy memory we have of daddy. But I remember. I remember so much more then the twins which makes me very lucky. I can remember his smell when he was sweaty( usually due to drugs) I can remember how it felt to have him brush my hair. I can remember the fell of him when we hugged. I remember his beautiful smile , his wonderful laugh, and that no matter what he loved his children. He may have had many problems, but he loved his kids. And I love him. So many things he didn't get too see. Glenn in the army serving his country as a solider , he would have been so proud. Glenn being married and becoming a father. Not being able to be there as support for my brother when Jennifer left him and divorced him when he got back from Iraq. Not being there while they got the divorce which was so hard on both of them and my beautiful niece Charity. He wasn't there to walk Kimberly down the aisle or for Steve to ask permission from when they got engaged. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle or or for Greg to ask permission for my hand . He wasn't there when my beautiful daughter his first granddaughter was born. He wasn't there when Brayden was born, his only granddaughter. And he wasn't there to protect me from her when my world was so dark and gray because my mother was crazy. I miss him and love him everyday. So many regrets because he left us too soon. So much I want to tell him and show him. But that will all wait for another time.



Daddy,
I love you so much. I can not believe it was 19 years ago that you left us. I think about you each and every day. Glenn looks so much like you. You would be so proud of him and Kimberly. They are both doing so well in their lives. Me I am okay I struggle but I am trying to make you proud. I miss you so much. I think about you every single day. I have dreams that you are still alive and that it was all a mix-up that you were and FBI agent or in the witness protection program or whatever craziness lets you be alive in my dreams. I know how silly that is but I just want my daddy back. I know that you are in a better place now, I know that . I know that the drugs don't have a hold on you any more and you are happy and healthy. But inside I am still that 11 year old little girl who couldn't believe her daddy was gone. And now even though it is 19 years later you are still on my mind always an in my heart for an eternity. I know it is you who saved me on your birthday a few years ago when I had that wreck. I know it with all my heart that you were driving my car and protecting me. I drove my car through a phone poll with just a burn from the airbag. It wouldn't have been possible without you protecting me. You were and amazing father and I will always be thankful that you were mine. I miss you so much , every single day, and will love you every minute of everyday till I can see you again. Be well daddy, be well.

Love forever your eldest daughter,

Jennifer Dawn Genis Allen

What is wrong wi th me???!!!!

I am sitting at the computer desk looking at a house that is getting more an more disgusting knowing the kids are running low on clothes and wash needs to been done, cleaning the kitchen , and the rest of the house needs to be done, and for whatever reason, I don't do it. There is no good excuse ,really. I know it. Greg knows it. We all know it. Yes I was not taught to clean as I go or even clean at all, really. That may have been an excuse 5-10 years ago but what i the excuse now? Nothing other than laziness. I want a pretty , neat, organized, clean as a whistle house. I want to be a better mom and wife. I say I have no motivation, but I do . Look at those beautiful two little faces. It is unfair to treat them like this and make them live with me the way I am right now. I have to do better for them. For Greg and for our marriage. I am going to clean now, don't want to but I got too.

Kaitlyn

I don't know what is going on with the little lady lately ,but, OMG! Brat isn't even close to a good enough word to describe her behavior as of late. Case in point best example I can give you, Friday night we went over to Krystina's to pick up my purse after because I am a dumb ass who does things like leave my purse at other people's houses. The guys and Emily went to the movies. Kaitlyn was being mean. I tried to put her in time out. Notice the word try? Yeah. She had a full melt down with kicking and screaming and acting a fool. Which included her walking up the wall and throwing herself against the door and screaming at me.Ii know that part of it is we fight in front of her something we have to stop. Whatever else it is I am not sure but I sure as hell need to stop it.

Christmas

Oh, Christmas, oh Christmas what a wonderful vacation we had .Can you feel the sarcasm in that? First off getting down to Florida took so much longer then ever before. Traffic and stupid people and accidents and just ugh! Plus Greg was mad because we left late because i wasn't ready and just bad way to start our week in Florida of and it didn't get any better!
The next day was Christmas eve and we got up early to go see Santa which we already had done but did again because they always see Santa with Mamaw and Papaw . they didn't even stand in line with us they went off looking and missed the sweetest thing. Santa was running late so he walked through the line talking to the kids while his "elves" set everything up . When Brayden saw he him he ran and hugged him and Santa scooped him up and they just talked and then he kissed Santa and said "I love you!" He really liked Santa! Which is good . The rest of the day was kind of uneventful, sorta. Nothing major. is Aunt Jo came up from Tampa with uncle Mike. i made cookie dough and Greg could not stop talking to his dad long enough o help put the kids shoes on so I to stop and do it. He had been cranky all day and this just pissed me off. The rest of the night went as Christmas eve's everywhere go, wrapping last minute stuff , putting out cookies and egg nog and carrots.Getting Christmas jammies from mamaw and papaw. Papaw reading 'Twas the night before Christmas to the kids all that good stuff.
Went to bed hopping and praying that things would be okay the next day.OYE. Everyone woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had their jammies in a bunch. I woke up at 6:45 and his dad's first words are wow your up earlier then ever before huh? Well okay then that is how today is gonna go . Got it! Then I see my pitiful baby is up and looks horrible. He doesn't want mommy he wants Sweetie, which by the way is what he now calls mamaw. Fine whatever be that way stinker butt . Greg got up around 730 or so and about 10 or 15 minutes later was sitting on the couch with Brayden and my poor sweet baby boy started to throw up,ALL OVER DADDY! Mommy took him while daddy was cleaning up then I got the exorcist treatment. Fun start to the day! Whoot whoot!! Kaitlyn finally got up about 20 minutes after the excitement and it was present time. Kaitlyn opens up first 5 or 6 presents all clothes and gets annoyed. Brayden is done after about 4 or 5 presents goes up to mamaw and goes to sleep. Kaitlyn was pissed because first 6 presents she opened were clothes.Poor kid. Then she got some games and her leap frog and that made her happy but everyone was still all cranky and stuff. And no reason to be we hadn't eaten breakfast so no one could have possibly pissed in everyone's cheerios. LOL. Anyway the rest of the day was spent cookie and playing Candyland. After dinner a 2 hour political discussion that they had to make my head explode went on. This discussion included Uncle Mike saying multiple time when is some redneck gonna do him a favor a blow Obama away. WOW. Also a conversation that included the fact that no one there knew anything about the country and all these people saying Clinton was not impeached. He was dumb asses hate to tell you but he was. Look it up.. Oh we did we proved what I was saying was right and according to Greg's dad I was still wrong. Ugh. I actually think I hate that man.Well at least we are done seeing him for a few months. There was more but now but who cares about my idiot father in law anymore. I sure as heck don't.

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Crap! Crap! Crap!

Okay so now the damn dryer is broken, and I am out of flipping clean undies! And even better we are flat fu*King broke so we have to borrow the money from his mom.Are you freaking kidding me?! Why can't this stuff ever and I mean ever happen when we have money? Because we never have money. I am sick of being flat ass broke. I am sick off never having money. Sick , sick , sick , sick of it all. Greg workd\s so hard. He really does. But our bank account never shows it. It is a lot my fault. I know that. I spend to much money on everything. So now I have clothes drying on hangers all over the place. At least I will have clean panties , hopefully they will be dry!