A change is a coming.......

Today before I got in the shower, I took one look at myself and I knew above all else some things were going to have to change. I knew before today that I was heavier then ever. Today in my reflection I saw my mother staring back at me. After I recovered from my massive heart attack of seeing my mother I knew what I had to do. I need to lose weight. I need to make myself healthy for my children, so I can see them grow. I need to make myself lose some extra baggage on the hips so I know when Greg sees me he will go wow! Mostly though I need to do this for myself. I need to make myself feel better, look better so that I can have a better life. I have known things were bad for a while. It has been getting harder to wipe my own tush, gross maybe over sharing, but if I don't stop it and make some serious changes, I am going to be fataly obesse. I have to do this for my kids my huisband , my family but most of all for myself. And so that I can raise my kids, see them graduate, see them be all they can be.I can start some stuff tomorrow eating what i have in the house but things will get even better next weekend when I go food shopping again and get healthy good for you stuff. I need to, I want to, I have to.d I think I will defenatly post some pics and stats tomorrow and use this blog as not only my journal but my guide or I could wake up and eat a dozen doughnuts, we will see!

Glenn and Kimberly

I love my brother and sister. They are the only people who truly understand some of the things I do. They grew up with the same mother the same physco mother . They saw me get beyond abused. They saw and heard the things she did the things she said. You would think growing up in they way we did would make us inseparable. HA! so not the case. I barely know them both. My sister is married to a guy I barely know. I know her so very very little. We talk mostly about my kids. We make small talk and have little discussions but that is it. I am not sure if it is a matter of her possibly having anger towards me for leaving. You see when my mother decided to move to Pennsylvania, I had a choice. Find some place to move, some place to go or I would die. I have never had a doubt about that. My mother would have killed me if I moved to PA all those years ago. The abuse had gotten so bad. And then we were moving away from everything she knew, all her friends from Bingo which is my mother's crack. There are no doubts in my mind, the abuse would have escalated with no where for her to go nothing for her to do and she would have killed me. After I left I know my sister got the raw end of the deal. I do know that, but, I do wonder if they know that I stayed much longer then I wanted to for them. I would not leave them with her. Now my brother was mostly safe seeing how my mother thought he was God . He was the one who did get it besides me when I still lived at home, my sister got very little then anyway. When it came down to it though, and I knew I was no longer safe ( a very lose term for that) that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be dead if I went to PA, I had to make a choice for me. I had to leave.
I still eleven years later, feel guilty about leaving, which is hilarious because I doubt either one them would. My brother and sister can both be very self centered. I mean come on now my brother is on his like 5th ( no exaggerations) IPhone. He has a child and now an ex wife because of his actions. he is so screwed up in so many ways but especially in his priorities. When I found out he was picking Korea as his duty station, I was floored, but the reason floored me even more. He picked Korea so when he gets back he can be in Oklahoma with Charity for a few years. Wow. He behaved like an adult and made an adult decision, he did something that was what was best for someone else, for the first time probably in his life.
My sister. I want the bond that most sisters have. I want us to not only be friends but to be so close we can finish each others sentences. I wonder if she resents me. I wonder what she is thinking. I wonder what she is doing.She sold her house and is closing today and the only reason I know is because her husband had something about it on his Facebook. that is not something your big sister should learn on FB. It is something she should call me and tell me but she never does. I am always the one who calls her, and Glenn ( not right now not calling Korea). Maybe it is me......

So flipping tired

It has been about a week maybe two since I got a good nights sleep. I am sleeping but not well. I am back to going to sleep after midnight at the earliest. Why do you ask am I not sleeping again? I am not entirely sure why. In truth I have less to worry about now. We converted the bankruptcy from chapter 13 to chapter 7. We were paying over $1000 a month to pay back our debt. Now do not get me wrong , I know it is our debt and it is our fault, but it was just more then we could afford to pay back. Being able to convert was such a blessing and I am truly grateful for it. We found out we will not need to get a new car. We can keep the Trailblazer.
Yet when I lay my head down at night, when I close my pretty hazel peepers, I am wired like a gallon of coffee is dripping in my arm in an IV. I can not stop thinking, thinking thinking. Worrying. I do not know what is wrong. Greg makes good money we shouldn't have the problems we do.I know that things are getting easier for us, and in a while will be great. Greg has often told me I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to unwind and in truth I don't. I have a giant stick up my butt and it has been there so long they couldn't surgically remove it even if they tried. I am wound tighter then any pocket watch and occasionally I pop.
My kids are going to stay in Florida with their mamaw and papaw after we go down for 4th of July weekend.i love my babies but I need a break. I love being a mom, but i mean look at Kaitlyn she is a good kid( stop laughing) most of the time and I love her, but jeesh! Brayden is the best behaved child ever but he has been so clingy lately I can't breathe. Okay think I rambled enough, this post doesn't make much sense. Cleaning time now! Maybe I should go back to rambling......

Let us plug up that cracked pipe with the BP execs who caused this mess

Okay seriously how long has this mess been going on now? The pipe and the oil rig that used to go with it exploded April 20th, 2010.It KILLED 11 and injured 17, a statistic I think a lot of people are forge ting . Think about what those families are going through. Not only did they lose someone in their family or did someone in their family get life altering injuries but they are forever connected to the worst oil disaster, EVER.
Now it is like 5 or 6 days shy of 2 months later. 2 months of the most precious yet most abused natural resource in the world just wasting away. Boycotting BP is not going to help. They are a major oil company and own a good bit of smaller companies under their umbrella. This is getting beyond ridiculous.I understand that they are trying everything that they can to fix this pile of crap mess that turns out to be the worst domestic oil spill EVER , believe me I get it. They are working quickly( ha if quick means the sanils are beating you in a race) and trying their best,( and I think their best is total crap) but the real question is ... Why in the hell did it happen in the first place. I heard earlier this week that this particular rig failed many expectations? SO why the hell didn't they fix it, shut it down do something to rectify the problem? And why the H E double hockey sticks is no one acting like this is the big deal that it is? It is a big bad kill all wild life disaster that is causing so many many many to suffer.Initially BP downplayed the incident; CEO Tony Hayward called the amount of oil and dispersant "relatively tiny" in comparison with the "very big ocean.". Really, Mr. Hayward, really? Are you kidding me?Do you need to go ride the short bus to work from now on? It doesn't matter if it is one ship or a thousand when crude oil is spilt into the ocean at any rate let alone the rate that it is at today, almost every area of life is effected. All those poor animals that are either dead, dying or very sick or just very dirty, all the plant life that has been affected( that Dawn commercial keeps playing in my head). Okay now lets talk about the people affected by this. The gulf coast was affected by another disaster a natural disaster but a disaster none the less 5 years ago, yup I am playing the Katrina card. Businesses just started to fully recover. People knew it was okay to came back and vacation again. People knew that their houses were worth something again. People knew fresh gulf coaster shrimp were slamming and now all that has changed. I know of at least 6 families who have changed their vacation plans , because of this crap. I might have a very different view of this because I live in Alabama. I live 5 hours from the gulf in east central part but here almost everyone I know vacations in Gulf shores, Orange Beach , Destin or the surrounding areas. I know how effected the travel industry is because everyone I know who visits, isn't. BP made a big mess and their efforts to clean it up are crap. So I have an idea. Since nothing they are doing is fixing this mess, lets retire all the execs who sat around on their butts knowing that the workers were very concerned, knowing about all the failed inspections and stuff their over educated, over paid asses into the pipe and I am sure that will stop the flow or maybe they just need to make the biggest tampon ever?

Religion, it is what's confusing

I grew up in NYC and catholic.I even went to catholic school up until the fourth grade was over. I know the bible that I grew up with. I know what I learned going to religion class every day during school . I know what I learned going to church. I now live in the deep south, in the bible belt. I go to a Baptist church. I gave a Baptist bible. And when I read the bible ,when I go to my church all I can think is WTH? I do not ( and don't think I ever will) understand how the to faiths are so different! In the catholic faith you go to church when you can but you live by God's word and your good. You go to confession. You talk to your priest and he helps you make things right by doing your penance. Yes the priest is a man and he is not the one forgiving you of your sins, but , he is the one laying a path out by giving you pray or what ever else he may deem right so God can absolve you. Baptist on the other hand all you do is go to the alter and ask God to forgive you for what you have done you pray, and your good. I am so confused about how different things are when in truth they are basically the same faith. Christians believe Jesus came to earth because God was so upset with His "children" that he sent His only son to die so we can be forgiven.And believe me I know that to be true to so many. I know that is how so many people I know that so many know in their hearts that Jesus shed his blood for us.
According to Baptist if you are not saved ( saved is taking Jesus Christ into your heart and asking him to forgive you for all your sins)you will not get into heaven to be with Him. So every catholic ( which is the base for the baptist religion) every Protestant, every Lutheran is burning in hell if I have this right. They believe in God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. The bible is read and followed. They live by the same rules, but because they were not saved, they are in hell. So basically according to this standard, Mother Theresa is burning in hell. Someone out there in cyber world explain this to me explain to me how these rules can apply. Baptist I have realized are so blinded by their faith, never ever in my experience has any one that I have spoken to seen any other side to it. It is fact to them and there is no other way. I understand believing in something so strongly that in your heart you know there is no other truth. What I don't understand is how it is so black and white and the lines are so clear and how there is no gray areas. According to my understanding and the way things have been explained to me, even murders get into heaven if they are saved and ask God for forgiveness. HUH? Last time I checked it was one of the Ten Commandments. Though shall not kill. Now I do believe that some killers are in heaven. Things in their life were so bad, that they had no choice , but some just killed for fun, killed for their own amusement, for money for fame for whatever . While in prison they get either bored or trying to get out they use God's forgiveness and say they are changed. Now I get that He is an all knowing all in compassing being and that He would know that but.well still not computing. I am confused as to how I can be told being gay is wrong because children can not be made by that union, yet you can use birth control. Growing up catholic, birth control is considered just as much of a sin as murder. It in fact is considered murder. You are preventing life from happening. I will never see the difference. I will never understand. God made every single person who is gay , gay. He made them that way. So if He made them gay, He made them molded them and put them on this earth just so when they die they go to hell? Not the God I know. God forgives all, God knows all, God loves all.
I have never met one gay person, who would say that they walk an easy path. That if they knew that they had a choice would no matter what chose to be gay. It is a very hard life. Everywhere you go some one hates you. Everywhere you go you do not have the same rights as anyone else. So doesn't it make sense that maybe just maybe somewhere along the lines God's words were later to fit someone else agenda? Now if you go by the belief that God knew it would happen or he let it happen because that is what he wanted then wouldn't he want you to listen now , now that most of the world ( except the USA) is now more understanding, that they have more of an open heart?Religion has confused me my whole life. I know that all Gods are one God , all Goddesses are one Goddess and their is only one initiator. TO me that means whether you are Buddhist,Christan, Catholic, Jewish , or Muslim, as long as you live a life that is righteous, have strong beliefs and stand by them . You are a good person and do good things, when you leave this world the powers that be whatever you believe them to be all morph and become the same thing and welcome you with open arms. Okay I think I have rambled enough. I will talk about this again on another day. Sorry I jumped from point to point , never solidly explaining anything, just so much to say and it all came out at the same time.

Glutton for Punsihment

I am probably the biggest glutton for punishment EVER. To explain this I guess I have to go further back and say that my mother was missing or where abouts unknown to me since February of 2008. I didn't know if she was dead alive in jail homeless, nothing ( but according to my mother my sister did < but that is something else> know). My mother was very very abusive, and those words may not even cover what she did. Yet over the last year or two or even three I find myself missing my mother, wanting her back in my life. Which is crazy because I haven't seen her in almost 12 years. It is so hard trying to balance and be a mom and not having yours.
Then in April my brother went to visit my sister in Pennsylvania( where they lived with my mother for 6 years) and went out for drinks with high school friends. Afterwards he dropped one of the friends off and the friends mom was friends with my mother. He asked her do you know where my mom is , do you know if she is okay? And not only did the woman know but she had her phone number and address and gave it to Glenn. Glenn being GLenn went and found her. Spoke with her , he SAW her. And then gave me her number. i debating calling her speaking with her bewcasue Iknow the drama that comes with her, but for whatever reason , I did. And I instantly regreted it. My mother was well my mother. Complaining, hinting for things. Ugh. And here's the thing no matter how awefull I feel after talking to her, I still do. Can someone explain this to me? I don't get it. She is so aweful and herendous and mean and eviland yet I keep going back for more. I just sent her a big envolope full of pictures. Last time she had pictures of my kids she got her trailer taken away from her. So why in God's name did I do it again? I have no clue but now I need a cookie!

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