Gregory Dean Allen

In November of 2011 at a bowling alley in Orange Park, Florida I meet the man, the man who would love me like no other ever had or ever would and it changed me for forever. I would love to say our love story started out with a bang but it didn't. In fact not even close.
I was on the alley getting ready to bowl, waiting for the player to my left to finish. I hear behind me i the voice of Kitty ( the crazy lady lived with < story for later> ). I hear her say to someone " Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a job? A car? I thought I was going to die. I have never ,ever been so embarrassed in my entire life , and actually still to this day. I heard her offer to pay him for the date , the gas , the food, movies , and pay him!!!! I felt like a $2.00 hooker on her night off. But you know what? It is the thing I am most grateful for in my life.
We went out that Saturday. We went to Carrabba's Italian food and Spiderman. it was awful. I was yawning,I was doing everything to get to go home. And I was miserable. We really thought when he dropped me off we would never, ever see each other again.Maybe at the bowling alley but I really thought that was it. Crap was I wrong.We bowled against another team about 3 or 4 weeks late team later that was next to his team. I hear Kitty tell her husband Luis something and then I see her talking to Greg and then she disappeared. Greg came up to me and said," Kitty said to take you home" We still had one more game to bowl. SHE LEFT!!!!!!! WTF? Well this happened in one way or another for a month. We would go eat at IHOP or Denny's and talk. we eventually started to have feelings for each other and then decided to go on another "date" a real date. And that night changed everything for me . We went downtown to go to The American Cafe in Jacksonville on the water. It was great. it started to rain on the way home. His windshield wipers didn't work . We ended up driving to his house ( he lived with his parents)and we kissed , like a couple of teenagers for hours. I in an instant knew that I had more feelings for this man , real , deep feelings then I had ever had for any one ever in my life. Greg brought me back to life. Made me a real live woman. And for that I will always be grateful. He is my magic and my love

18 Months

It has been more than 18 months since I last blogged . WTH? Busy life and stuff happens. So much to talk about but I don't think I am going to play catch up. I think I am going to just be in the present . Something I never do enough of. I have lived a lot of the past 13 or 14 years being so angry and hurt and emotional over the things that happened while I was growing up.Things that to be a full and round person I finally have to let go off. I thought I let it go a long time ago but I obviously didn't.I still get really angry at Peggy. She knew what my mother the one who was supposed to care for me above all others was doing to me. She knew what I was going through and didn't stop her, hell didn't even come close to trying. I am still angry at Karen and Bob and Billy, they didn't step in either.That was more than 10 years ago when it all stopped. I left on December 5, 1998. Just looking at that date in "print" makes me realize how long ago it really was and how I have to let go. My marriage has suffered because of it. My children have suffered because of it. My relationship with mother and father in law is crap because of it. I can't trust anyone ever. I am always afraid. Afraid to stand up to someone because I am scared of what they will do. Afraid of turning in to her, turning into a monster. But a monster I am. I want so desperately to change to be the perfect wife and mother. I am promising myself to work and work hard every day from now on. I won't call it my new years resolution, because that will make it fail I will call it a promise to myself. And I hope more than anything else this is a promise I can keep.

COHEN

Sweet little Michael Cohen Marshall went to be with Jesus on Friday June 18, 2010. He was so little and so strong, be with Jesus sweet baby be with Jesus. Megan and Brent, along with your amazing, wonderful , and generous family and friends may you all soon find peace soon. I know you must be so amazingly proud of such a strong , wondeerfull , amazing little boy that Cohen was. He bessed not only your lives , but so so so many through your blog. GOD Bless!!!!!!!!!!



Wednesday, June 30, 2010

COHEN

A change is a coming.......

Today before I got in the shower, I took one look at myself and I knew above all else some things were going to have to change. I knew before today that I was heavier then ever. Today in my reflection I saw my mother staring back at me. After I recovered from my massive heart attack of seeing my mother I knew what I had to do. I need to lose weight. I need to make myself healthy for my children, so I can see them grow. I need to make myself lose some extra baggage on the hips so I know when Greg sees me he will go wow! Mostly though I need to do this for myself. I need to make myself feel better, look better so that I can have a better life. I have known things were bad for a while. It has been getting harder to wipe my own tush, gross maybe over sharing, but if I don't stop it and make some serious changes, I am going to be fataly obesse. I have to do this for my kids my huisband , my family but most of all for myself. And so that I can raise my kids, see them graduate, see them be all they can be.I can start some stuff tomorrow eating what i have in the house but things will get even better next weekend when I go food shopping again and get healthy good for you stuff. I need to, I want to, I have to.d I think I will defenatly post some pics and stats tomorrow and use this blog as not only my journal but my guide or I could wake up and eat a dozen doughnuts, we will see!

Glenn and Kimberly

I love my brother and sister. They are the only people who truly understand some of the things I do. They grew up with the same mother the same physco mother . They saw me get beyond abused. They saw and heard the things she did the things she said. You would think growing up in they way we did would make us inseparable. HA! so not the case. I barely know them both. My sister is married to a guy I barely know. I know her so very very little. We talk mostly about my kids. We make small talk and have little discussions but that is it. I am not sure if it is a matter of her possibly having anger towards me for leaving. You see when my mother decided to move to Pennsylvania, I had a choice. Find some place to move, some place to go or I would die. I have never had a doubt about that. My mother would have killed me if I moved to PA all those years ago. The abuse had gotten so bad. And then we were moving away from everything she knew, all her friends from Bingo which is my mother's crack. There are no doubts in my mind, the abuse would have escalated with no where for her to go nothing for her to do and she would have killed me. After I left I know my sister got the raw end of the deal. I do know that, but, I do wonder if they know that I stayed much longer then I wanted to for them. I would not leave them with her. Now my brother was mostly safe seeing how my mother thought he was God . He was the one who did get it besides me when I still lived at home, my sister got very little then anyway. When it came down to it though, and I knew I was no longer safe ( a very lose term for that) that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be dead if I went to PA, I had to make a choice for me. I had to leave.
I still eleven years later, feel guilty about leaving, which is hilarious because I doubt either one them would. My brother and sister can both be very self centered. I mean come on now my brother is on his like 5th ( no exaggerations) IPhone. He has a child and now an ex wife because of his actions. he is so screwed up in so many ways but especially in his priorities. When I found out he was picking Korea as his duty station, I was floored, but the reason floored me even more. He picked Korea so when he gets back he can be in Oklahoma with Charity for a few years. Wow. He behaved like an adult and made an adult decision, he did something that was what was best for someone else, for the first time probably in his life.
My sister. I want the bond that most sisters have. I want us to not only be friends but to be so close we can finish each others sentences. I wonder if she resents me. I wonder what she is thinking. I wonder what she is doing.She sold her house and is closing today and the only reason I know is because her husband had something about it on his Facebook. that is not something your big sister should learn on FB. It is something she should call me and tell me but she never does. I am always the one who calls her, and Glenn ( not right now not calling Korea). Maybe it is me......

So flipping tired

It has been about a week maybe two since I got a good nights sleep. I am sleeping but not well. I am back to going to sleep after midnight at the earliest. Why do you ask am I not sleeping again? I am not entirely sure why. In truth I have less to worry about now. We converted the bankruptcy from chapter 13 to chapter 7. We were paying over $1000 a month to pay back our debt. Now do not get me wrong , I know it is our debt and it is our fault, but it was just more then we could afford to pay back. Being able to convert was such a blessing and I am truly grateful for it. We found out we will not need to get a new car. We can keep the Trailblazer.
Yet when I lay my head down at night, when I close my pretty hazel peepers, I am wired like a gallon of coffee is dripping in my arm in an IV. I can not stop thinking, thinking thinking. Worrying. I do not know what is wrong. Greg makes good money we shouldn't have the problems we do.I know that things are getting easier for us, and in a while will be great. Greg has often told me I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to unwind and in truth I don't. I have a giant stick up my butt and it has been there so long they couldn't surgically remove it even if they tried. I am wound tighter then any pocket watch and occasionally I pop.
My kids are going to stay in Florida with their mamaw and papaw after we go down for 4th of July weekend.i love my babies but I need a break. I love being a mom, but i mean look at Kaitlyn she is a good kid( stop laughing) most of the time and I love her, but jeesh! Brayden is the best behaved child ever but he has been so clingy lately I can't breathe. Okay think I rambled enough, this post doesn't make much sense. Cleaning time now! Maybe I should go back to rambling......

Let us plug up that cracked pipe with the BP execs who caused this mess

Okay seriously how long has this mess been going on now? The pipe and the oil rig that used to go with it exploded April 20th, 2010.It KILLED 11 and injured 17, a statistic I think a lot of people are forge ting . Think about what those families are going through. Not only did they lose someone in their family or did someone in their family get life altering injuries but they are forever connected to the worst oil disaster, EVER.
Now it is like 5 or 6 days shy of 2 months later. 2 months of the most precious yet most abused natural resource in the world just wasting away. Boycotting BP is not going to help. They are a major oil company and own a good bit of smaller companies under their umbrella. This is getting beyond ridiculous.I understand that they are trying everything that they can to fix this pile of crap mess that turns out to be the worst domestic oil spill EVER , believe me I get it. They are working quickly( ha if quick means the sanils are beating you in a race) and trying their best,( and I think their best is total crap) but the real question is ... Why in the hell did it happen in the first place. I heard earlier this week that this particular rig failed many expectations? SO why the hell didn't they fix it, shut it down do something to rectify the problem? And why the H E double hockey sticks is no one acting like this is the big deal that it is? It is a big bad kill all wild life disaster that is causing so many many many to suffer.Initially BP downplayed the incident; CEO Tony Hayward called the amount of oil and dispersant "relatively tiny" in comparison with the "very big ocean.". Really, Mr. Hayward, really? Are you kidding me?Do you need to go ride the short bus to work from now on? It doesn't matter if it is one ship or a thousand when crude oil is spilt into the ocean at any rate let alone the rate that it is at today, almost every area of life is effected. All those poor animals that are either dead, dying or very sick or just very dirty, all the plant life that has been affected( that Dawn commercial keeps playing in my head). Okay now lets talk about the people affected by this. The gulf coast was affected by another disaster a natural disaster but a disaster none the less 5 years ago, yup I am playing the Katrina card. Businesses just started to fully recover. People knew it was okay to came back and vacation again. People knew that their houses were worth something again. People knew fresh gulf coaster shrimp were slamming and now all that has changed. I know of at least 6 families who have changed their vacation plans , because of this crap. I might have a very different view of this because I live in Alabama. I live 5 hours from the gulf in east central part but here almost everyone I know vacations in Gulf shores, Orange Beach , Destin or the surrounding areas. I know how effected the travel industry is because everyone I know who visits, isn't. BP made a big mess and their efforts to clean it up are crap. So I have an idea. Since nothing they are doing is fixing this mess, lets retire all the execs who sat around on their butts knowing that the workers were very concerned, knowing about all the failed inspections and stuff their over educated, over paid asses into the pipe and I am sure that will stop the flow or maybe they just need to make the biggest tampon ever?