18 Months

It has been more than 18 months since I last blogged . WTH? Busy life and stuff happens. So much to talk about but I don't think I am going to play catch up. I think I am going to just be in the present . Something I never do enough of. I have lived a lot of the past 13 or 14 years being so angry and hurt and emotional over the things that happened while I was growing up.Things that to be a full and round person I finally have to let go off. I thought I let it go a long time ago but I obviously didn't.I still get really angry at Peggy. She knew what my mother the one who was supposed to care for me above all others was doing to me. She knew what I was going through and didn't stop her, hell didn't even come close to trying. I am still angry at Karen and Bob and Billy, they didn't step in either.That was more than 10 years ago when it all stopped. I left on December 5, 1998. Just looking at that date in "print" makes me realize how long ago it really was and how I have to let go. My marriage has suffered because of it. My children have suffered because of it. My relationship with mother and father in law is crap because of it. I can't trust anyone ever. I am always afraid. Afraid to stand up to someone because I am scared of what they will do. Afraid of turning in to her, turning into a monster. But a monster I am. I want so desperately to change to be the perfect wife and mother. I am promising myself to work and work hard every day from now on. I won't call it my new years resolution, because that will make it fail I will call it a promise to myself. And I hope more than anything else this is a promise I can keep.