We got up and went to church today. Singing was nice. Children's church was good for kKaitlyn but I don't know kinda felt lost. The sermon was about letting the devil in. I know I fight him being in my life everyday. I don't know felt weird to be bcak. Maybe a different church, with a preacher I feel more comortable with? You got me.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Gays and lesbians
April entry from last year on my myspace
I got a fowarded email that infuriated me today.It was from someone I have known most of my life. Someone who knows me better than most. It was about a gay man who had gotten beaten in her local bar. The part that made me furious, you may ask ( besides the beating?)? In the end of the email she typed " Funniest sh*t I ever read fu*ker deserved worse!" I almost dropped dead. How dare she? Has she forgotten that my uncle who is the family member I am closest to is not only gay but a gay rights activist? That I have marched in GLAAD parades? Or that in high school I beonged to GLAAD? ANy the friends of gay rights club? I think she has lost her mind . So I call her and asked what the hell was her problem . She said some of the most terrible things to me about gay and lesbians.How could I be friends with someone for over 20 years and never know her? She even went so far as to say that my uncle deserves the cance rhe is suffering with right now. Nevwer in my life has something more crushing been said to me, She said that even if he survives he he will go straight to hell with the rest of the deviants. My heart broke for her stupidty. How dare she? She knows nothing of his life or the life of any other gay person. This is not a life he chose nor did any otherr gay pperson. They were born that way. MAde by God. How dare you argue with his perfection. And do not quote the bible to me my friend . Judge not or yest ye be judges ring a bell to you? And lets not forget the bible was written by a king over 3000 years after ouyr saviour gave his life to save our souls so how much is his teachings and how much is what Constintine wanted ? I support every gay and lesbian person out there. They are Gods childrena and wonderful gifts to this world. I can not wait for the day that this simple minded country willl give them the same rights afforded to the rest of us. Being married to the person you love, being on each others medical insurnace, being able to visit the poperson you love if they are sick and in the hospital. Being looked down on for their lifestyle , not hte chopisces that they make that are bad. This person is no longer my friend nor that of any one else who I know who knows her if I can help it . She is ugly in the heart and has hatred for what she doesn't understand and that can not be tolerated in my book. I am mad and hurt and I just don't understand how anyone can hated millions of people because of how they were born? They desrve respect and love, and support. To alll thoose who read this who are gay I suport you in every dession you make and every thought you have. I stand proud to know you and proud of what you do.You are wonderful and brave . You should be able to get married or not or do whatever you please without anyone looking at you poorly , and on that day I will be proud untill then it is something I will pray for.
My rambaling fury is over now , but I dn't fell better I am still mad but I got it off my chest
Open letter to my mother
From my birthday last year posted on my myspace:
Why do you blame me for everything that has gone wrong in your life? Why is it that I am not good enough for you? I am a good wife and mother. I love my children, and my wonderful husband. My life is better than I ever dreamed of, but then there is you. There is always you in the back of my mind eating away at my happiness. A mother is supposed to protect her children, love them nurture them, teach them. But you stopped doing tht long before I left your home. I am old enough to remember the good times, the happy times, where Glenn and Kimmie are not. i remeber when youi where a good mother, but I don't know what happened to you, when the mother gene, shut off, but it did. I helped raise Kim and Glenn, because you where never there , for a long time, always at Bingo or with Julie and peggy with out us or at least without me. Cooking at peggys all time but not bringing me home food or smaller portions so you and Glenn could have seconds, but at least you fed me( sometimes). Giving Glenn any and everything he wanted and Kimmie to and me nothing. When I turned 18 you turned me into an addict, in bingo. I loved to play plus there was alweays your attention there. You beat me so severly , I left school out of fear of getting taken awy, stupid i know but I was young. i was more fearful of being taken to a foster home, then once I was old enough geting arrested for what the house was like. i have blammed my self for years for everything, i have been in such a dark whole that i have been trying to claw my way out for an eternity, but have gotten no where. Why don't you love me ? my beautiful babies? it is not fair to them to not know their grandma like i was fourtuniate enought o have known mine. But no more. I have to move on from you. I have to be bigger and better than you you are no more to me, because i have to be whole again and as long as i hold on to the hope of you being what I want what i need i t will never happen so i sya this now, good bye mother.
Why do you blame me for everything that has gone wrong in your life? Why is it that I am not good enough for you? I am a good wife and mother. I love my children, and my wonderful husband. My life is better than I ever dreamed of, but then there is you. There is always you in the back of my mind eating away at my happiness. A mother is supposed to protect her children, love them nurture them, teach them. But you stopped doing tht long before I left your home. I am old enough to remember the good times, the happy times, where Glenn and Kimmie are not. i remeber when youi where a good mother, but I don't know what happened to you, when the mother gene, shut off, but it did. I helped raise Kim and Glenn, because you where never there , for a long time, always at Bingo or with Julie and peggy with out us or at least without me. Cooking at peggys all time but not bringing me home food or smaller portions so you and Glenn could have seconds, but at least you fed me( sometimes). Giving Glenn any and everything he wanted and Kimmie to and me nothing. When I turned 18 you turned me into an addict, in bingo. I loved to play plus there was alweays your attention there. You beat me so severly , I left school out of fear of getting taken awy, stupid i know but I was young. i was more fearful of being taken to a foster home, then once I was old enough geting arrested for what the house was like. i have blammed my self for years for everything, i have been in such a dark whole that i have been trying to claw my way out for an eternity, but have gotten no where. Why don't you love me ? my beautiful babies? it is not fair to them to not know their grandma like i was fourtuniate enought o have known mine. But no more. I have to move on from you. I have to be bigger and better than you you are no more to me, because i have to be whole again and as long as i hold on to the hope of you being what I want what i need i t will never happen so i sya this now, good bye mother.
Fighting
this entry is taken from my myspace from lasty August just thought I add it here
I am so tired of fighting. I know we have our problems and things are not as they should be but I am losing it.He speaks to me as his father does and it is eating me up inside. His father is a wonderful man, except to me he treats me well most of the time but sometimes the tone of his voice or the little comments he makes breaeks my heart and Greg sits idlely by and does nothing. ALways has, always will. GReg speaks to me as if he thinks I am a bad mom he makes me feel worthless. I am a shell of myself and not sure how much longer before I shatter. Why can't I be good enough? I try dso hard everyda, every hour, every minute , and every every single second but none of it is good enough. Then when I try talking to him about it he wigs out and yells and says oh hear we go again and whatever jenn whatever. So I won't even tell him anymore. I will jsut keep it all bottled up because that is all I can do. It's alll he'll let me do. He is very controlling lately. everything has to be his way. There is no other way. What is going on? I love him so much but he has not been himself in so long,I am scared I don't know what to do.I am crying so much I can barely see the keyboard to type. I want him to love me again no matter what no make me feel so terrible all the time. I am trying, but I need help. He gets mad when the house isn't clean but he yells at the kids when I ask him to watch them so I stop and it never gets done. Then I try to take the kids places when he sleeping and he gets mad because I used gas I bought lucnh or whatever floats his boat that day or what did not get done in the house while i should have been home. I do not know how much more of this I can take....
I am so tired of fighting. I know we have our problems and things are not as they should be but I am losing it.He speaks to me as his father does and it is eating me up inside. His father is a wonderful man, except to me he treats me well most of the time but sometimes the tone of his voice or the little comments he makes breaeks my heart and Greg sits idlely by and does nothing. ALways has, always will. GReg speaks to me as if he thinks I am a bad mom he makes me feel worthless. I am a shell of myself and not sure how much longer before I shatter. Why can't I be good enough? I try dso hard everyda, every hour, every minute , and every every single second but none of it is good enough. Then when I try talking to him about it he wigs out and yells and says oh hear we go again and whatever jenn whatever. So I won't even tell him anymore. I will jsut keep it all bottled up because that is all I can do. It's alll he'll let me do. He is very controlling lately. everything has to be his way. There is no other way. What is going on? I love him so much but he has not been himself in so long,I am scared I don't know what to do.I am crying so much I can barely see the keyboard to type. I want him to love me again no matter what no make me feel so terrible all the time. I am trying, but I need help. He gets mad when the house isn't clean but he yells at the kids when I ask him to watch them so I stop and it never gets done. Then I try to take the kids places when he sleeping and he gets mad because I used gas I bought lucnh or whatever floats his boat that day or what did not get done in the house while i should have been home. I do not know how much more of this I can take....
Thinking about my mom a lot. Don't know why . Maybe it's all the Gosselin crap. yes when I started a second blog I said no mention of them here but its not what I mean. Kate is domineering awful wench and rumored to be physically abusive and we all know how bad things were with my mom. Kate reminds me a lot of her. She has her hand out to the world expecting free stuff. Just like my mom. She's abusive and mean , hmm again just like my mom. And I am turning into them both. I never clean( well that's actually getting a lot better but lets move on) , I can ignore my kids when I am not in the mood. I don't mean in the way of not feeding or something of that nature , but when I am busy or not in a big mommy mood, I can hear myself say go away, go play, just like my mom just like Kate. I am working on my faults which is something neither one of them can admit they have. I still wonder have I done as much damage to Kaitlyn and Brayden as mommy did to us or as time will tell Kate has done to her babies? Don't know. I just need to work to be better. Need to do dishes and laundry, already better then my mother.
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