My mother

So I am really really bothered by something recently. I am missing my mother terribly . And that bothers me more then anyone reading this can know. My mother is evil. I am not saying this as a spiteful daughter. I am not saying this as an angry daughter. I m saying this as an adult who looks back at her childhood and wonders why no one cared enough to save me. My mother was abusive, and that word doesn't even begin to describe how awful she was to me. My brother and sister also got abused and treated horribly but not in the same way as me. My sister has told me she know I had it much worse. My mother who at one time really was a good mother as years went by and time got to her worse turned into a monster,a retched horrible excuse for a human let alone a parent. She beat me in ways that still hurts to talk about and it has been more then ten years since I have been in the same state as her. And most of my scars are not physical I can assure you. she blamed me in my opinion for the way her life turned out. You see she married my father when she was eight weeks pregnant with me, something she denies to this day, but something , I know without a doubt to be true. They had a bad marriage. she was lazy and mean and my father was an addict. Drugs and alcohol &it killed him, but Iam not talking about that right now. My mother was good to us when we were little but I honestly have very very few good memories of her after the age of 10 or 11. Sheuld make me get on my knees and stand tall from them, she would make me tick my neck out and smack me till I was bleeding or scratched or whatever satisfied her. She would make me go out into the hall of our six family house in nothing or just bra and panties. i never told anyone what went on in that house. My friends knew I was being hit but never, ever di they know how bad. I mean who could imagine that? Who could imagine a mother doing that to her own child. I cooked every nights dinner from the age of ten or so. I remember her asking what I wanted for my thirteenth birthday i said steak dinner and you cook it.
And yet all I can do for the last few weeks is ache with missing her or maybe it is just the idea of her. My kids love their "Sweetie" Greg's mom. In fact more then anything. She is wonderful with them , to them. Maybe it is because I loved my maternal grandmother so much that, my heart still aches everyday because Imiss her so. i miss my mother and i an not for the life of me understand why. It was made worse when Jenn told me the other day that around Kim's wedding someone saw her at a homeless shelter working ,they thought. At least i know she was alive a year ago. I don't know if she is alive today. I don't know if she is living on the streets. is just so much about her i don't know. It is getting to the point where I am feeling so lost again. It has taken me since Dec. 5 1998 t, the day i left her house or apartment to realize she needs mental help that she is indeed without a shadow of a doubt crazy. She doesn't remember beating me , i know this because I confronted her. She needs help. she is poor and destitute I can't help her , she is mean and horrible and terrible, but she is still my mommy and I miss her.