Daddy

January 19, 1991 changed my life for forever, and Glenn and Kim's and my mother. The collateral damage of that day was massive and still happens to this day. My father, my daddy died of a massive drug overdose. It hurt just to type that. I was 11,when my world shattered for forever and still haven't really recovered and now I am 30. I remember being really freaked out at the funeral home. I didn't even want to go near him , but mommy made me. I didn't touch him though, which is something I think about and regret with my whole heart almost every day since. I am still haunted by dreams of him. How disappointed he would be with me dropping out of school. How much things with my mom would have been different, how the abuse would not have gotten close to what it was. How I maybe would have lived with him, how I could still be in NYC. But all the what ifs don't change what happened that day. That he died all alone in his childhood bedroom, foaming at the mouth bleeding all over the place, with a rubber band around arm and a needle sticking out of it. A vision that no matter how hard I try i can never get out of my head. The things I saw and the things i didn't don't matter much because, whenever I think of him that is what I can close my eyes and see.Knowing that he was to high to know he was in trouble, knowing he couldn't call out for help when there were so many others in his house, the house he shared with his mother and her brother Uncle Vinny. Knowing that he died in that bed alone with no one by his sides, is the worst feeling a daughter can ever have.
My mother has tried to destroy every happy memory we have of daddy. But I remember. I remember so much more then the twins which makes me very lucky. I can remember his smell when he was sweaty( usually due to drugs) I can remember how it felt to have him brush my hair. I can remember the fell of him when we hugged. I remember his beautiful smile , his wonderful laugh, and that no matter what he loved his children. He may have had many problems, but he loved his kids. And I love him. So many things he didn't get too see. Glenn in the army serving his country as a solider , he would have been so proud. Glenn being married and becoming a father. Not being able to be there as support for my brother when Jennifer left him and divorced him when he got back from Iraq. Not being there while they got the divorce which was so hard on both of them and my beautiful niece Charity. He wasn't there to walk Kimberly down the aisle or for Steve to ask permission from when they got engaged. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle or or for Greg to ask permission for my hand . He wasn't there when my beautiful daughter his first granddaughter was born. He wasn't there when Brayden was born, his only granddaughter. And he wasn't there to protect me from her when my world was so dark and gray because my mother was crazy. I miss him and love him everyday. So many regrets because he left us too soon. So much I want to tell him and show him. But that will all wait for another time.



Daddy,
I love you so much. I can not believe it was 19 years ago that you left us. I think about you each and every day. Glenn looks so much like you. You would be so proud of him and Kimberly. They are both doing so well in their lives. Me I am okay I struggle but I am trying to make you proud. I miss you so much. I think about you every single day. I have dreams that you are still alive and that it was all a mix-up that you were and FBI agent or in the witness protection program or whatever craziness lets you be alive in my dreams. I know how silly that is but I just want my daddy back. I know that you are in a better place now, I know that . I know that the drugs don't have a hold on you any more and you are happy and healthy. But inside I am still that 11 year old little girl who couldn't believe her daddy was gone. And now even though it is 19 years later you are still on my mind always an in my heart for an eternity. I know it is you who saved me on your birthday a few years ago when I had that wreck. I know it with all my heart that you were driving my car and protecting me. I drove my car through a phone poll with just a burn from the airbag. It wouldn't have been possible without you protecting me. You were and amazing father and I will always be thankful that you were mine. I miss you so much , every single day, and will love you every minute of everyday till I can see you again. Be well daddy, be well.

Love forever your eldest daughter,

Jennifer Dawn Genis Allen